Some jokes

A lot of these are distasteful etc.

Some I originally posted and found some others at

I’ll hide them behind a jump so that any of the easily offended don’t need to see them, if you click the link below, read the jokes and are offended, I don’t want to hear it, you have been warned.

Simple one

  1. Why was 6 afraid of 7?
    Because 7 8 9.

  2. A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
    counter and says, “Hi… You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d
    really rather have a job.”

    The social worker behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent. We
    just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
    and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll have to
    drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all of your clothes.
    Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to
    escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her
    sexual urges. You’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the
    garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year.”

    The guy, wide-eyed, says, “You’re bullshittin’ me!”
    The social worker says, “Yeah, well… you started it.”

  3. A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
    transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

    At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

    She says, “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

    “Wow! That’s a great idea!!” he exclaims.

    “Good,” she replies. “Get your own damn blanket!”

    After a moment of silence…he farted.”

  4. There are two women sitting in the living room of one of their houses, chatting away, when the lady of the house happens to look out of the window.

    “Oh God…” she says, annoyed, “Here comes my husband with a big bunch of flowers”

    “But… but… that’s very romantic, don’t you think?” Says her friend.

    “Romantic?! Ha!” Says the woman “Romantic? It just means I’m going to have to lie on my back all night with my legs wide open!”

    “Oh I see.” Says her friend.

    “Haven’t you got a vase?”

  5. A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. The man sits at the bar and the monkey jumps up onto the bar and starts wandering around.

    The bartended is a little apprehensive and says to the man, “hey, is that monkey okay in here?” The man replies, “yeah, he won’t do any damage or anything, he justs eats alot, nearly anything in sight is food to him, but don’t worry I’ll pay for anything he eats”

    And sure enough as the man finishes explaining to the bartender the monkey finishes a bowl of pretzels sitting on the bar. As the bar keep continues to watch the monkey jumps to a table and finishes off a bowl of peanuts there. Then the monkey jumps to to one of billiard tables, picks up the cue ball, stares at it and then suddenly swallows it whole.

    The bartender turns to the man and says irritatedly, “okay now that’s enough, you’re monkey just ate the cue ball off the billiard table!”.

    The man apologizes, gathers up his monkey and pays for everything then heads home.

    A week or so later the same man walks into the bar, again with his monkey in tow.

    As the bartender watches the monkey again jumps up on the bar. On the bar the monkey finds the remains of someone’s drink with a cherry left over. The monkey plucks the cherry out of the glass, stares at it for a moment, then sticks the cherry up its own butt, pulls it out again and eats it.

    The bartender is disgusted and turns to the man, “Jesus Christ man, you’re monkey just took a cherry, stuck it up its own ass and then pulled it out and ate it!”

    The man calmly looks at the bartender and replies “I’m not surprised. He he still eats mostly everything in sight, but ever since that cue ball last week he measures it first!”

  6. Why doesn’t Jesus like M&M’s?

    Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.

  7. Whats black, white and red and screams?

    A nun falling down the stairs.

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